Vox Noxi

Getting over your ex ... or not.

juliaallison:

When do you stop wondering what if? Should you force yourself to stop? CAN you force yourself to stop?? (um, helpful tips are welcome!)

Julia Allison asks about how, when, if we get over our exes. Is there some miracle formula or landmark we can aim for or do we just keep telling ourselves it gets better, and hope we’re right?

When my first serious relationship ended I was completely devastated. There really is nothing like first love. Never knowing heartbreak I held nothing back. I don’t think I’ve ever loved fearlessly again. When it was over out of the blue, I was certain I’d never get over him. For a long time, I didn’t. I dated other guys, I was very fond of them, but I kept desperately hoping that First Love and I would magically reunite. (Let’s be honest, when you get dumped for a girl in a fricking mental hospital you need to just admit things are pretty much unfixable.)

Looking back, I can’t pinpoint when I got over him. I know it took a very long time. Years, in fact. Oh I fell in love with another boy in the meantime, but if First Love had returned, I would have fallen into his arms like a fool. Then one magical day I thought about him and wasn’t melancholy.

What happened? I was finally happy with myself. I take a lot of pride in being a handful of crazy Irish girl. Being left for a slightly more crazy lady made it impossible for me to believe the old “it’s not you, it’s me.” I think my lingering obsession with the boy was partly due to needing to feel redeemed. If he wanted me back, the adorable craziness I like to think of as the key to my charm was still there.

I got over that. Little by little I grew up while I was pining for a guy who didn’t want me. Then one day I was comfortable in my own skin and didn’t want him.

Now when I find myself missing my exes, I take it as a sign that I’m not happy with something in my current situation. There are many paths to happiness, and I don’t tend to let my imagination wander down those “what if” trails if I’m content with my current direction.

I’ve been thinking about my exes a lot lately…